When I was around 5 or 6 years old I had a near death event, and the memory of waking up from myself has never left me. In fact, it has shaped the person I’ve become.
I’ve always remembered the feeling of waking up out of my body. Sometimes when I first come out of a really vivid dream, as the dream fades and my bedroom returns I’ll hang out there in that state, remembering what it was like to wake up into the even bigger room of my essence, and a realm of love that defies description.
This memory has also been a source of conflict in my life. Knowing that this realm exists sometimes makes me want to be there instead of here, especially when I am in unbearable pain, or when the Earth story gets too hard or too sad. Even though it’s been a source of strength for me, it’s also been a platform for this subtle urge to ‘check out’ when things get tough.
During a recent trip to Sedona, I had resolved to heal my pelvic pain. All of the seminars were repeats for me and, while I was excited to learn from my mentor, I was really attending for the self-healing aspect. What I didn’t realize, though, was that this inner conflict about my heavenly experience as a child and the pain I was resolving to heal were the same thing: my inner emotional conflict was the epicenter of my physical pain. This was to be a two week journey of discovery regarding my choice to be here on Earth, and to resolve the inner conflict of that decision.
As is the typical experience for me at these seminars, synchronicity started to happen right from the very beginning. Each partner I worked with and each new face I met was to be a part of my healing journey. Each practice session picked up exactly where the last one left off, as if orchestrated by some intelligent design. The full story of these two weeks could be a novel in itself (which I may write someday) but for now I will skip ahead to the final session, and the final piece of the puzzle as it clicked into place.
I was having a session at TOR with Deb, and we were rabbit-holing the tightness in my pelvis. I had discovered during the seminar that when pain is touched, in just the right way, at just the right depth – no matter how intense – it can be felt in a way that’s good. I explored this realization on many levels, with many types of pain- physical, emotional and mental. When pain is met, at just the right depth, with just the right touch, it can be good. I had shared this discovery with her and so we were exploring how I would want to be with this pain, right now. As we went more deeply into the energetic layer of the pain, I returned to the place of conflict I had been exploring all week: the moment I chose to come back to Earth. Deb made the important observation that, when I reviewed that moment, my pelvis tightened down. She said, “Well, that makes sense; this is your root chakra.” It had never occurred to me before that these two issues were so tightly woven, but suddenly it made perfect sense. I was in conflict about my presence on this planet. I regretted making the choice to leave the realm of peace and love to come here where there was pain, suffering, and fear. This was ultimately the healing I required: resolving the inner conflict of my existence as a human being on a planet called Earth. I had no trouble accepting my essence as an infinite spiritual being. What I had trouble with was embodying that essence as an imperfect physical human being.
At some point the words “Even though I am on Earth, as an imperfect human…I love me” started to play like a mantra through my mind. I was looking out the window of the oak creek treatment room at the stunning Sedona landscape and a large bird flew past, reminding me of heaven and of my essence of pure love. I could feel his wings whooshing energy and light all the way into my core and I realized that, even if I had made the wrong choice, even if Earth IS the wrong place to be…I am still what I am. I am love. More energy poured into my body, all the way into and through my root chakra. Deb took a deep breath as if to signal that she felt the change – that she was with me in what was happening – even though we were working in silence.
I heard the sound of humming birds (my power animal) right at that moment, and I allowed their essence of lightness and joy, their playful sensuality, to sing me back home. Tears started to flow. I could feel their song vibrate all the way to my essential frequency, to the core of me. My root opened even more, letting the light in, letting the joy come through. Even though I may have been wrong, even though I may be flawed, even though mistakes happen and Earth can be a dark and difficult place, I love me.
A few days have passed since this profound realization and I am still content. I am sure more struggles are yet to come, and I have no doubt that more difficulties lie ahead; Earth is messy, we live in a realm of duality and both love and loss exist here. Love and loss, pleasure and pain, joy and sadness. And even though all those extremes can exist here, I now fully and consciously choose an earthly life and I am okay with that. As much as I adore the realms of peace and love that I can journey to, the love of home is right here in me and I can take it with me wherever I go. Even if my pelvis hurts, I love me. This is the real healing.
John is a great pioneer, an authentic yogi. The real teachings of yoga are “oneness with what’s arising” which resolves all conflict. Put another way, yoga is the art of moving into your present moment rather than resisting it. What he is teaching us is beyond valuable. He often says, “I have given you a great gift, use it well.” I get that now. He has given us the gift of authentic healing far beyond the body. “Thank you” doesn’t feel like enough…but thank you, John, and thank you to everyone who has embraced this journey of authentic healing, which is the return to your essence.